IX

Inward look, 6th of November, 2011

Dear Nobody,

How are you? There has been a lot of time sience my last letter. I'd like to think this means we've been fine sience then, and I hope you still being fine right now. Well, as you can imagine, I'm not fine at all.I feel so embarrasing knowing I only wrote to you when I'm feeling bad... but you're the only one I can really open my mind without being judged or something like that, you know. And I have to thank you for that. It's really important to me.

By the way, the reason of this letter is... well there's no reason at all. I've been feeling bad, apathetic, for a cuple of days, and I'm still wondering why. You know I'm a very sensitive person, and I've thougt this is beacuse the weather has changed so quickly, but maybe there's something more. I guess it's about my own routine. It's like I have been in a circle for a very long time, never going out of it, (including haven't go out of my house the last two days). I need to met my people, and do something different that gives me a little push so I can retrieve my enthusiasm of doing things.
I can't focus on anything, not even the things I have to do. Nowdays, my only reason to wake up from bed is 'cause I have somewhere to go, normally classes. I can't sleep at night, so I still in bed until midday, and that sucks. I don't want to do the things that normally makes me forgot the routine, like reading or writing. There have been a lot of time sience last time I feel really alive, and it's starting to affect me.

I'm tired of freaking myself, thinking how to do things right. If I think before do something, it's bad, but when I act without thinking first it's the same or even worse. I can't see the things I really want, for one thing I can do there's at least two or three more options, and all starts to get together and to be confusing. The reality sucks. As much I start to see things like I'm supposed to see them, much I think there's something wrong. The only thing I'm still guessing is if it's my mistake or the world's one. Why I'm not allowed to be like I want to be? Why I have to change myself only to fit into the patterns of the society where I live? I let the world change me beacuse it's the only way to me of not feeling apart. It's like my life's choice: I can be myself with all the consequences, including not being a real part of the world around me, or I can resign some parts of myself so I can feel as a piece of my people's lives.
And, as always, when I change myself, after a bit time I always feel bad, but also happens if I choose the other option. So, what can I do?

I feel so frustrated and lost... Damn it! The only thing I can do to get better is this, talk to some lost person, someone I even doesn't know... Sorry about all that stuff, I'm sure you see me as an idiot, but I need this more than you could imagine.

..."Si se callase el ruido oirias la lluvia caer

limpiando la ciudad de espectros"...

Thanks for all. I try to be in a better mood next time I wrote. I swear.

Farewell.

Kreyla Vaely